Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Control Freak

Over the past few years, I have become aware that I am a control freak. When you are facing a double lung transplant, you have to learn to let that go. I am trying but not doing the best job at it.

Since my dry run on my birthday, I have realized there is so much to do before I get my call. These are not things that you would think of doing like packing a bag. These things are asking for help during and after the surgery. I have been told that having a strong social network will help in my recovery. Yesterday, I realized that I have not asked for support from my friends or family. So I wrote an email asking for help. Asking for help is something that does not come natural to me, that is part of being a control freak.

Last night, I was trying to talk to Brian about what he was going to do about work while I was in the hospital and when I came home since I am going to need care 24/7. He replied "Whatever I want to do." His employer is very understanding and will let him change his schedule or take time of without pay. Oh course I replied "What will that be? I need to know so I can make sure I can work out people to be here with me if you go to work" In a very Brian like way he said "Don't worry about it. I will make sure you have someone here to take care of you at all times."

Don't worry about it? Hello, you are talking to a control freak. Do you think I can just let go of this? I need to know. Did I tell you that I am a control freak?

I am trying to let go of this situation and tell myself Brian will take care of all this. This is very hard for me, probably harder than knowing that I am going to be getting a double lung transplant.

I am a planner. I always have all my ducks in a row. I do my finances every day. I know where every penny goes which drives Brian nuts. Knowing this, he wants me to not worry about my care after my transplant. If I had it my way, I would have a sign up sheet with dates and times when people would be here. It would be framed and hanging on the fridge.

Brian is a different breed then me. He goes with the flow. I don't know how to do that. I guess I just need to trust him and realize that is capable of taking care of this for me.


Diana said...

He is capable! Well,with a little help from of us he is capable. There will not be a minute you need anything babe! We all love you so much that you will be saying WHEN are these people going away!!!!!! I like the framed and on the fridge part because that is you! Love you!

Piper said...

Your husband sounds like he is trying as hard as he can to make sure you don't have any added stress -- too bad it's stressful for a control freak NOT to have the stress of being in control ;) I would say, though, that if there's ever been a time to let someone else be in charge, it would be now. Just so long as YOUR needs are being met post-surgery (and they will be, it's so clear how much your fam and friends love you!) then it will all work out.

BUT, so long as we're both control freaks facing the uncontrollable aspects of transplant, I would love to compare notes! I have some checklists I've made for my fam about what to do when the call comes, a list of requests for the hospital when I'm sedated or on the vent and can't express myself, and a couple of other things I've drawn up just to help "plan" as much as possible (email contact lists of people to notify, etc). I just want this to be as stress-free as possible in the moment for everyone and figure it will be easier if my fam KNOWS what I want/need to have happen beforehand. I might shoot you an email and compare lists to see if you have any suggestions! You know, from one control freak to another ;) Take care and hoping lungs come soon!

Jess said...

I'm a control freak too. It's so hard to think of handing over the reigns to your medical team for the transplant and hospital care, and your family and friends for the support. I know its hard, we have to plan as much as we can and hope for the best!

Amy said...

OMG I am a control freak too! I have lists upon lists of things planned out just for everyday regular stuff. I can only imagine how it will be when I face a tx too.

From one control freak to another...trust your hubby to do what he knows is best. He knows you, he knows you will need help and I have faith he will help you and be there and do everything he has to in order to make your recovery ideal.

Anonymous said...

I'm a control freak as well. My wife constantly gets on me because I am already planning the next days meals etc...and it is only the morning of the day before. I also keep constant track of finances. Maybe it is beacuse we have had to be so on schedule with treatments, pills etc... all our lives that it is in our nature to want to control the other aspects as well.