Friday, November 7, 2008

Toughest decision ever

Well, I have spoken with my CF Doctor. He really didn't say what I wanted to hear but then I should know he always tells me like it is. The decision to be listed at this point is mine to make. He is concerned that if I don't get listed and be active on the list that my next infection might be the one that puts me on a ventilator. The IV antibiotics are just not benefiting me at all. He feels I am healthy enough now to pull through the transplant but we don't know what will happen if I wait.

I think the decision is so hard because I always hope that my next hospitalization is going to make a difference. Plus, the good days that I have gives me hope that I'll have more goods than bad.

The decision is about quality of life. With new lungs, I would not be typing this with oxygen on and nebbing albuterol. I would not get out of breath while walking to the bathroom or doing laundry. My days would not be ruled by when the home health nurse can get here to pound the junk out of my lungs so I can breath for a little while.

What would happen if I waited to get listed?
I could get really sick and end up on a vent and have a much harder time recovering from a transplant.


I stay the way I am for years. I guess instead of living I would just be being. I don't feel like I living life to its fullest right now. I feel like I am just waiting for the next day to come.

Life is worth living right? So why is this decision so hard? I guess it is because of the unknown. But isn't there a lot of unknown right now?

I really wish someone could make this decision for me. This is just a little look on what is going on in my head right now!


Anonymous said...

You are very dear to me!


Diana said...

I love you! You will make the right decision!